I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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