i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
