capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
