it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
