not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
