can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
