You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
