Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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