Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
