The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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