the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
