You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
