hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
