My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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