So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
