I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just found puke in my bra..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
