Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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