Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
And then my night got REAL pukey
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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