i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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