so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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