Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
