She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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