I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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