Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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