to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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