Can i not drive my cunt home
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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