why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
