I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
