you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
