I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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