So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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