mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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