God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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