Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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