I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
