I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
