The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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