did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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