I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't deserve a penis
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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