All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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