We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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