who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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