I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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