Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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