make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
