Sober January is a disaster.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
