I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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