I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
