cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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