bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
