we have pet lesbian snakes
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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