I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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