your parents love me but you hate me
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
