Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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