sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Randomize
