he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
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You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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