Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
