If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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