I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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