He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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